Love is a Verb

       December 1, 2017 - I woke up early in the morning to write a letter for Mama. Knowing that she will attend my school's celebration for Parent's Day, I kept the letter in my bag. We went to school together in a casual mood. When we arrived, the program already started. I let her seat with the other parents and I was left with my classmate in the corner. With the excitement for my Mama's reaction to my letter, everything feels so well for a little while until she approached me in the middle of the program saying that she must leave already for some important matters. I said yes and she left. Later, I realized I had lost the chance to give the very essence of my parent's day. I failed...

       I never was an ideal daughter. The true me is lazy, stubborn, moody, and say all the bad adjectives you could - that's me. If everyone knew me just as much as my parents do, no one would ever want me in there lives. No one would ever want me to be their child. I'm just lucky child bearing doesn't have to be the choose-pick-and-accept-or-discard process because if it was, I would probably be nothing right now.

       Except about my attitude, the fact of being an only child frustates me to my bones. I am the only fruit my Mama and Papa have yet I am a rotten one. I took everything they have but I gave them nothing.

       Well, do I have choice in all of these?

       YES. I always had, I always have. But I took everything for granted and allowed regret to haunt me when my father passed away. I never had the chance to thank him for everything and I'm not even certain if he felt that I really love him because I never said the words, never showed the feelings.

             

       "Time is fleeting..."

       ...and I was caught off guard. It might be a little late for my Papa but never for my Mama. The words of a parent during the celebration brought me to this realization. I should make use all of the time I have in the present because there must be no room for self-reproach.

       "Regrets are pointless..."
     Somehow, it is and I should make a choice of dwelling not on the things that haunt me down. I must believe that I am better than this and I could be for the persons I love. I could make them proud. I realized that I never failed because I still breathe, I still got time. I have thought that parent's day could still be celebrated even if Papa's not visible, even if December first will end, even if I got nothing, because love is everything it takes. All I need is to show them that. 

       So after the program, I went home and put everything in action. I felt different that moment doing all the chores, helping my mother in all the ways I could. Indeed, it was great. As for my letter, well I gave it to her this morning with sprinkles of effort and little surprise - a great way to start our week. I was slowly making myself change for good and I am determined to continue such action until the very end of my life. It was good to be good.

       I am grateful for my parents and I should let them feel that I am. They are the only persons who loved me unconditionally despite knowing all the versions of myself, knowing all my flaws, my weaknesses, all the sharp edges. I love them and I will do the best I can to give them more than just an apology - not something we hold, not something we scream, but a verb, something they deserve for a love ain't grim.